


Sound of Waves Crashing

by opti



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Internal Conflict, Mutual Pining, Road Trips, Sharing a Room, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 04:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16611953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opti/pseuds/opti
Summary: When Chris asked her to move to Indianapolis all she had on her mind was a singular vengeance. It was an act so cruel, so perfect. But can she go through with it?Surely after everything he had done to her, he deserved this. Right?





	Sound of Waves Crashing

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested anonymously and turned into this dang thing. Hope y'all like it!
> 
> Enjoy an early S3 what-if! Maybe?
> 
> Title is taken from the Panopticon song, _Sleep to the Sound of the Waves Crashing_.

The decision to leave Pawnee was disappointingly easy.

As his tenure at City Hall wound down to only minor duties, Chris Traeger asked April to work with him in Indianapolis. There was almost no thought behind her knee-jerk response. This was a chance to escape the dismal depth of dim dullards that was her hometown and yet, it shouldn't be this simple. There were other, more obnoxious reasons for some desire to stay but she didn't like to think about them. About _him._

Had this been the usual conflict for her, April wouldn't think twice. He had given up on her despite everything he was trying to do to win her back. That much was clear. His actions spoke just as loud as his words and all she heard were those words in that hospital from his oblivious face that wouldn't leave her alone. That overwhelming droning of inadequacy fueling bitter hate in her was all it took to ignore whatever was buried underneath all of that rage.

So, April answered Chris. "Okay," she said without a care in the world for Andy.

The sadistic satisfaction was fleeting but definite when she told him later. It felt like warmth all over seeing his face drop if only for a second. Fleeting, but real. Like an old skill she'd honed for years now out of practice, all for getting back at assholes who made her feel terrible in school, it failed her in that moment.

"So, is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?" he asked.

"Go back in time and un-kiss Ann," she bit back at Andy's desperation. "Think you can do that?"

He stared back at her. "I can try," he said after a long time of his mouth hanging open, thoughtful.

What an idiot. The thought hits her and part of her hates it but not as much as him.

"Well, you're gonna have a hard time with that 'cause I'm gonna be moving to Indianapolis--"

"Wait, what?" Andy took a step closer to her and backed off again. "Sorry, I... am I ever gonna see you again?"

"Maybe," April shrugged.

"That's all I need," Andy smiled at her and she hated how easily that cooled the hatred boiling just moments before. "Maybe is basically a yes."

"That's gross."

"Well, not like that," Andy tried to keep talking to her but April already wandered away.

It didn't matter what he had meant, even if she wanted him to mean it that way, because right now he was grasping at every opportunity like she actually mattered. As she stomped back to the Parks Department, all April could think about was the fact that Andy kept trying and trying his best. He wouldn't shut up and her mood already drained away into brief indecision before realizing that the best course of action would be to follow through and leave. For good.

 

 

* * *

 

 

April tried to devise methods to get back at Andy throughout the day. Making up a list of random activities to do throughout the day was a start but his persistence on seeing the list and actually  _doing_ these things? No, that wasn't going to work. It would take much more time to figure this out and as the news of her departure spread, people tried talking to her. Jerry was painful, of course, but quick and she managed to scare him away with a threat of moving into his basement to hunt his family. Donna and Tom tag-teamed their goodbyes, he with a half-phony sadness and her with a promise to provide singles hotspots, but again -- fleeting and brief. Her friendships with them weren't exactly the most important part of her life. They were just people at the workplace, of course.

Then came the hard part.

"I can't believe you wouldn't at least discuss this with me," Leslie asked. She was sitting down in her office, behind her desk, with true sadness and disappointment clinging to every word she spoke. The door was closed, this impromptu meeting clearly meant as between more than employee and superior. "I thought... is this really what you want, April? To go be an intern again?"

"Sure, why not?" April shrugged and sat on Tom's desk, still facing Leslie. "This town sucks anyways."

"Pawnee does not suck--"

"Why do you care?" April is brusque and does not care at all. These people are already the past.

"Because I value your dedication to what matters and youthful insight," Leslie said with a straight face before sighing. "I thought we had a mentor-student relationship going and I think of you as a friend, okay?"

April takes a deep breath and stares out into the Parks department. Nothing out there matters anymore. One of the only things drawing her back to this hell-pit was an idiot who wouldn't stop pining after her. So what if someone that she genuinely respected was disappointed in this move? So what if she abandoned the man that felt like more of a father figure than her actual dad to a career of potentially functional assistants? Who would even care if she was gone? None of them. The one that would care meant less to her than the stupid fucking tears she shed for him just days ago.

"April?" Leslie broke through the haze of those questions.

"Thanks Leslie, but I gotta... chase my dreams, or something," April stuck her hands into her sweater pockets and shrugged again.

"Your dreams are in Indianapolis, working for Chris?"

The question hung in the room for a moment before April gave it a second thought. Was this really all just to get back at Andy? And was it worth giving up whatever she might be able to repair in this self-destructive broken relationship, the few friends she still had here, and recovering the part of her that could hate without remorse again? That same part of her laid against bare skin, defenseless, like a shell against the very man she hated wanting could be built back up to perfection.

_Is it worth it?_

"Yes," she answered both Leslie and herself.

April excused herself out of the room and went back to her desk to contemplate. At last, after hours of doing no work and getting little of her vengeance accomplished, Ron gave her a sad, unusual look and left without the usual curt nod in her direction that constituted a good night. She watched as he left without stopping for a word of encouragement either way, some heartfelt lesson he believed in, or even a sigh full of disdain in her choices.

All that remained in the building were the cleaning crew and the sounds of their boots squeaking across newly waxed floors and the smell of cleaning supplies. It was annoying but at least there weren't any people to distract April as she collected the few things that mattered to her in this building and take them  _back_ home yet again. Home. Funny, home wasn't something she ever associated with where she grew up with -- it was people; it was people that cared and tried and never gave up on her. People like Leslie Knope, like Ron Swanson. People like Andy Dwyer.

Packing up to leave for what would hopefully be forever, April set boxes aside full of her things. Most of the space was taken by her laptop and a stolen Rolodex that she wouldn't ever use and the last precious object to face either the trash or the box was the Parks and Recreation Summer Catalog. That picture stared back at her, Andy with his arm around her, and next to the boxes it felt like she was packing away part of her life to be forgotten and killed.

And it hits her then, her ultimate final stab in his heart, with a few boxes of her belongings in the one place that was beginning to feel a little like home. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Planning this was going to take time and effort, something April normally wouldn't afford but now it was different. It would be a spectacular disaster. Lying in bed that night, the night before her eventual move to Indianapolis, April texted that number that blew her phone up with messages and voice mails. 

_U up?_

He responded in an instant.

_U ok? Need help moving?_

April composed the message with careful taps and read over it again, twice, before hitting send. Was she really about to pull what might be the greatest evil possible on someone that she couldn't stop thinking about? Maybe it was the way to solve this problem once and for all.

She can watch him typing a response and after a few minutes the only answer is an all-capitals affirmative with a screen full of exclamation marks. He followed it up again with questions about details and what he would need, where to go, and all April could see was his face, dropping, and that same loss of warmth in her chest. The way his bright eyes would die out and the sorrow, disappointment in his face, all of it caved her lungs in until breathing was impossible and she needed to blink rapidly to escape the unavoidable.

Her heart would flutter for him sometimes. His warm smile would cause all those feelings to be worth it, that sense of wanting to be a bit better and kinder and make him happy because he did the same for her sometimes. The depth of her need for him before this was... embarrassing. Now she had an opportunity to take that all back forever.

This plan would be time intensive all for that result. All to destroy him, utterly.

Was she really doing this? To  _him_?

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sleep hadn't proved to be a simple escape the night before packing her car with belongings. It didn't help when Andy called to let her know that he would be ready when he arrived to pick him up, excitement obvious in his voice. The short trip across town to his guitarist's house where he stayed felt longer than the reality. 

When he appeared with a duffel bag slung across one arm and an acoustic guitar in the other hand, April's heart sank.

He stuffed the bag in the back and half-sang, "Indianapolis! Oh man, this is gonna be so awesome. I can't believe we're moving to Canada."

"Andy--"

"I'm so happy you changed your mind, though," Andy sat in the passenger seat with the guitar awkwardly in his lap. His face blazed with joy and an unbreakable smile. "I'm sorry April, I really am. I never meant to hurt you or whatever happened, make you want to kill me, because you are--"

"It's okay," she had to stop him because her hands were shaking on the steering wheel. This plan was much more difficult to put in practice than to plan. "I-I just wanted you to come with me so we could get out of Pawnee is all."

"Cool, well I'll miss Mouse Rat and Leslie and Ron, but I'm sure I could start a band there," he strummed his guitar as they took off towards the exit that would inevitably lead to I-67, the long stretch towards doom. "You think people play rock music in Indianapolis? Or are they, like, into jazz and weird stuff?"

She bit back an involuntary smile. "I'm sure there's totally rock bands there."

"Awesome, you're so smart," he nodded and began attacking his guitar in earnest.

The chords rang through the small hatchback, guiding them through the initial drive. They didn't speak. April let his guitar carry the conversation for them as long as she could because at least while he was doing that he was focused and not smiling, asking her questions she didn't want to answer. It was a simple piece and his voice hadn't joined in yet but April could feel it coming. 

She gripped the steering wheel harder when he started and his slight growl-tinged croon pricked at the backs of her eyes with something she wanted to forget. This plan was going to fail and they still had hours to go. He played sweetly and left a drawn out chord dangle openly as he sang.

"April, your name's like a season," his voice got stronger and more assured with every word. They never looked at one another. "Not like November, that's a month."

"Andy--"

The music was subtle and almost poetic in comparison to the lyrics he must have come up with on the spot, and she fell into the world they created alone. Every few beats he would pay another, new chord, before repeating a pattern she couldn't get her head around. It was silvery and magical, made for her, and she wanted to kill it before it found its way into her heart. April wanted it dead to make this easier than this. Where was the calm, collected spirit of hate from just the other day? Was she so easily swayed by his music?

"April, you're the only reason," he strummed again to fill the building void. It interrupted her thoughts so easily. "Not like Ann, you're the only one."

"That doesn't rhyme with month," she said with a voice far weaker and shakier than she intended.

"Oh, yeah, you're right. I wonder what rhymes with month," he stopped playing and kept speaking, the worst of all worlds. "Plunth? Is that a word? I know Blorange rhymes with orange but that's, like, an art word."

"An... art word?" April almost lets her mouth break into a smile but scoffs instead.

"Yeah, like something you make up for the sake of art," Andy picks at the muted strings with a dull thud. "Like Jabberwock. Or Blorange."

"Can we stop talking for now, I need to concentrate," she said to stop all of this infernal racket in her mind. Every time he said something it either made her want to grin like a moron, laugh, or kill him. Or all of the above. Or none of the above. Feeling for Andy was like feeling for the sun, the comparison of warm radiating off of him to her cold feelings was almost impossible to perceive. "And don't play your guitar. It's distracting, I guess."

"Oh, okay," Andy set the instrument in the back seat on his duffel bag that was clearly the only thing he owned with all of his earthly possessions. "Sorry. I thought you'd like that song. I've been writing it for, like, a month. I had to scrap November."

"November?"

"It was, uh, a song I wrote... for you," he said.

"You know that my name is also the name of a month, right?" she spoke with a little venom and it felt good again to shed her feelings.

"Sure, so I wrote that one. Because you are, like, the only--"

"What did I say about talking?" April interrupted and like that, Andy stopped.

The skyline burned bright ahead of them with pink and yellow, the green and brown of the corn fields their walls. The solitary path ahead, to the end result of this, would be impossible to back down from now. April's lot was set and now she had to handle this with tact as they stared down the rising sun together. Something her high school English composition teacher told her counted for everything now, about the symbolism of the rising sun as new beginnings in an endless cycle. She couldn't see that, though. It was just hot, difficult to look at, and illuminating.

It marked the repetition of the endless grind. The every day was that sun across the golden swaths of whatever farmers grew in this podunk, filtered through invasive tamarack that found its home in the bushes skirting the edge of a wooded copse here and there. No more music, but the landscape was just as colorful. It too was repetitive, after a while. Even if April could find comfort in the oddities of nature here and there, those that did not belong but sequestered themselves in the comfort of a random hideaway, it was all the same here. The endless sun, up and down. Eternal, like these earthen seas.

Andy's face, when she glanced over, was drinking in the sights before him. What April saw as the highlights of an otherwise dull and dreary sameness he was enraptured. When he caught her looking for that brief instant before looking at the road again, he asked her if she had ever seen anything so beautiful in the world.

Waters in gold and brown waves, green crests to either side, with the reborn sun in the distance shedding there, among it all, the last of its reddish hues.

She said no, not sure what else to say.

He looked at her, she could feel his eyes boring through her like they were taking note of everything, when he plead the negative. She gave him an odd look and he chuckled.

"I've seen something more beautiful," he clarified.

"Yeah? What?" she was quiet, trying to resist breaking her own rule.

"You."

The silence was deathly as they passed through the shade of trees and through a town with buildings hiding a bit of that light from before. April's heart beat twice as fast the whole way through and to the little gas station that served as a general store as well if the signs were to be believed. All of that natural beauty, the literal Earth before them, and he had the audacity to compare her with it? No, compare that with  _her_? She couldn't breathe right, trying to come up with a response as he pumped the gas and entered the store. They refused to come.

What in the world had she gotten herself into?

Here, in nowhere, she had told him to move with her to Indianapolis with the express purpose of ruining his heart at the end. It was all a ruse in the first place, an expensive one, and now she was with him and she had given him the space to call her gorgeous in no uncertain words. She pulled at the steering wheel, the whole steering column itself jiggling, until she worried she might strand them here. The last thing April needed was to spend a night with Andy, by him for that long, and they weren't that far from the destination. When Andy returned, he was smiling and handed her a hot dog wrapped in a napkin with one of his own in his hand and a large soda nestled in his arms.

It was theirs to share.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thankfully finding their way through the city was only half a pain in the neck. They managed to find their way to the building that Chris told them about, full of apartments at surprisingly low prices according to him, and discovered the concept of parking in a city together. They could barely afford to get here, let alone pay to just stow her car away somewhere. Still, they found an empty, secluded lot blocks away from the apartment building. Andy carried his guitar in its case, his duffel bag, and one of her large boxes. The walk proved to be an awesome change of pace after being crammed into that tiny car for so long. Stretching her legs for a while felt good, even if it meant answering Andy's inane questions about everything in the city.

By the time they arrived, April was close to figuring out how to close the plan. She would call him a cab and tell him to scram, forever. Everything on his back and no money to his name, she would leave him in a strange city to flee, die, or busk. It was perfect, the best plan she could have had, and yet she never said a word to him about it. April never called that taxi. They try to enter the building but the door doesn't budge and she was so annoyed she pulled out her phone to call Chris.

"April Ludgate! Did you make it here safely? The drive can be quite exhilarating," his phone-scarred voice answered after a moment.

"It's nothing but fields," she said. The fact that the view was pretty and that Andy compared her to more than that didn't need to be shared. April could barely keep it together as everything fell through her fingers. "Oh, and I can't get in this stupid building."

"What building?" Chris asked.

"This... apartment building you were talking about, I don't even know what street this is. Tenth, fiftieth, millionth?" April looked over to Andy who stared over at a sign at an intersection.

"I think that says Indiana, but that can't be right," Andy shouted, still looking at the sign with all the focus in the world.

"Well, did you set up a date for when you'd be moving in?" Chris asked her and the question slammed into her all at once.

"What? I thought you said I could just move in here," she sighed and slumped down against one of the walls of the apartment building. "I thought it was, like, a work residence or something."

"Oh, April. No, no. You have to sign a lease and live here for six months to a year," Chris was so jovial even telling her this awful news. He laughed once, sharply, and continued, "You can't just move in sight unseen!"

"You totally can move in somewhere without ever seeing it before," April muttered.

"Totally, that's the only way to move in," Andy agreed with a nod. "That's how I moved into the pit."

"See, Andy gets it," April smacked her head lightly against the wall she sat against.

"Andy? Andy Dwyer? Did you two...?" Chris laughed again, quiet. "That is so cute. You know--"

April ended the call without hearing another word. There they were, in the middle of Indianapolis without anything but what they brought and a few hundred bucks in April's bank account. All of that money taken from her parents. She still had school loans to pay off and Andy had no job at this point most likely, and she siphoned him for gas and hot dog money. Maybe this was her chance to strike?

Perhaps this was the chance?

"You know, we passed up, like, a dozen motels outside of the city," Andy interrupted her machinations again. "They're probably pretty cheap."

"Or I could sleep in the car."

"Yeah, but where would I sleep?" he asked with an honest curiosity.

April stood up, flexing one leg that began to fall asleep. "In the car?"

"Yeah, but that's where you'd sleep," he said. "This isn't gonna work, I don't want you to be uncomfortable. C'mon, I'll drive us. You got this whole way here."

April followed him, the odd commanding lead he took out of nowhere, back to the lot they scored a few blocks away. He packed the car full again and together they made it out onto the streets and found their way back into the desolate suburbia. April said nothing this time. He could take her anywhere now, to any of these places, and she had even offered that they stay in her car. Why? Why when this much needed desolation was right there at her fingertips at all times? It was absurd.

But the night came for them, following their path to the Friends N' Lovers Suites Motel, its pink neon sign declaring thirty dollar rooms. They park and get a key, just like that. None of it seems to connect until they stare at the only remaining room, already paid for, and the real problem that neither of them bothered to ask about. Friends, sure. Well, at least at this point April was sure that they were friends for the night and after this she would become his mortal enemy. But lovers? Never. Not in her wildest fantasies that bled through weeks that felt like forever in nights with dreams that could have been real. Lovers? Only in those lovely thoughts of them together.

This room with a key labeled  _Lovers Suite_ had only bed.

April turned to stare at Andy, who was blushing. He threw his things onto the floor and quickly shut the door behind them. April couldn't handle this, not now. Not after... everything. After telling herself that this person wasn't home anymore, there they were together with a lone bed and no couch or chairs or anything. 

"So, how do... we, uh, wanna," Andy spoke slowly and April managed to meet his eyes, "do this... uh, this thing? I mean, um, how do we wanna sleep? Like, together? But not like that! J-Just, uh, how do we do this?"

April was at a loss for words. She shrugged and sat down on the bed likely crusty with  _something_ left behind. It creaked underneath her weight and she fell on her back, throwing her arms over her head to rest in a half-spread position. What  _could_ she say? After another deep breath, trying to maintain a stable heart rate, she said, "We can try and get a refund."

"That's probably a problem, though," Andy mumbled.

"Why?"

"There's a sign on this door that says no refunds," he pointed out, stepping aside to let her look up and see the white sign with black lettering saying exactly that. "Sorry for picking such a shitty place. I should sleep in the car..."

"That's stupid. It's freezing," April could feel the anger bubbling up at him, though not the same anger that made her want to tear her hair out over what he had done to her. How could he be so thoughtless?

"But you said we should stay in the car earlier..."

"That was then, this is now. You can sleep here, I can sleep on the floor or something--"

"What? No way, I'll sleep on the floor," Andy interrupted her with what she was sure was chivalry. In a way, it was nice. "You can sleep on the bed, I'm sure you'd rather have all the soft, warm blankets and stuff."

"It's not that soft or warm up here," she said with no hint of malice. Not happiness of course, but also without anger.

"Maybe if you tried, it'd be comfy," he said with a shrug and April tried not to delve into what he might actually mean there. She only blinked hard, once, and stared up at him. "I'll sleep on the floor. It's okay, I'm used to it. I was in a pit, so I slept on rocks at one point."

"Dude, that's why you should sleep in the bed," she offered. Honestly, sleeping outside in a pit sounded so cool but Andy didn't deserve that. He deserved a warm place to stay, which wasn't with her. He deserved more than her. "C'mon, I can handle it."

"Yeah, but--"

"Andy, just sleep with me."

The words almost caught in her throat but April couldn't help finishing the sentence. Maybe deep down she had another intent, asking him for something else, but now... now, she can't take it back. Now it was there and Andy's face broke into a grin. Maybe he was a creep after all. That thought was swiftly erased when he started laughing and buckled over, hands on his knees, with the biggest, dumbest grin on his face. 

And for the first time, April let herself go. Whatever artificial hatred that held her back needed to go because she just asked the man she's been wanting for far too long to get in bed with her and he laughed at her. His laugh, too, was so warm just like everything else. The lilting notes that turned into giggles and half-snorts all combined with that squinty-eyed face he made were so fucking adorable that she couldn't help but join him. The energy of that soothed the aches in her muscles, made the night seem shorter, and felt like musical conversation again. This time, they shared it.

It lasted only a few more moments before they quieted, still staring at each other. April kicked off her shoes and made to take a pile of clothes from her things. Andy quickly turned around, facing away from the bathroom as she did so.

"What are you doing?" she asked as he started to cover his eyes.

"You're changing, so I figured I'd, uh, help you maintain your innocence."

"My  _what_?" April could feel another laugh begin. Tamping it down, she continued, "Dude, there's a bathroom. I'll change in there."

"Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense," he turned back to look at her and caught a peek at the faded pink pajamas in her arms. Maybe his intent was just to cop a look at her when she was changing, but perhaps April was too hopeful. And with that thought, the idea that being spied on by Andy would be a  _good_ thing, April ran to the bathroom. "Yeah, well, I'll change out here too. I'm sure I've got something..."

April steadied herself in the bathroom, staring into the crusted over mirror. Her eyes were started to redden from the exhaustion and she could really use a nice night's sleep after the long endurance race of the prior night's sleepless tossing and turning. She changed quickly, sure to look at the door and confirm Andy wouldn't try to barge in. When she returned to the bedroom area, he was in what looked like a bath robe about two sizes too small so that the hem came to the middle of his upper thigh, revealing plenty of meaty thigh and thick leg hair. 

She covered her mouth, masking her laugh in the worst way so that it reverberated off her skin and he had to know exactly what she was doing.

"Oh my God," he exclaimed and pointed at her feet. "Are those little pigs?"

It was true, her pajamas that she picked out without really thinking about it had onesie pig snouts for socks.  "Shut up. I stole them from my sister," she lied for no reason other than the heat in her cheeks. April crossed her arms. Now she was a bit self-conscious about silly sleepwear and had to deflect. "You're wearing a bath robe to sleep?"

"That's so cute!" he ignored her and almost shouted with a smile plastered on his face.

"It is not!"

"Is too."

"Says the guy in a tiny bath robe made for tiny people," she fought back but she was really fighting to keep her eyes straight up and ahead.

"Well, it's all I had," he shrugged. That seemed to decide the argument. "You're still cute, though."

April had to cut to the chase and just sat down in the bed. What he just said wasn't registering yet and April wasn't sure if she wanted it to, ever. The blatant come on was while they were getting in bed. Together. This was definitely platonic, totally. This was going to happen now, and she didn't want him to sleep on the floor. That's all this was and she didn't have that feeling of floating high on her craving for companionship, wanting to be near this lovable dork with a heart of sometimes misguided gold that fucked up  _the one time_ and she was supposed to hate him. She was supposed to kick him out and tell him to sleep on the ground.

Instead, Andy hopped over to shut the lights off. He sat down in the bed and laid down, his head near her feet and careful to stay out of her immediate proximity so that he almost hanged off the edge. Their bodies were so close despite his attempts. She could move just a few inches and claim it was because she was a restless sleeper so that she could feel the heat radiating off of him so much closer. She could hold him, maybe move so that they were facing one another properly and hold him close. Do what she wanted to do with him.

April buried her head back into the pillow as far as it would go before she tried to go to sleep.

After about five minutes, she heard a heavy sigh.

"Hey, April," Andy whispered into the darkness.

"Yeah, Andy?"

"Why'd you ask me to come with you?" he asked it so slow and earnest April could almost hear her heart stop.

"I..."

"I mean, you were mad at me yesterday and now we're... like this," he said with a laugh. After a few moments Andy made an almost exasperated sound and tried to speak a few times in short start-stops. Then, he managed to say, "Sorry. I'm just hoping you're not still mad at me."

"I'm not..." April could almost taste a sour feeling in her stomach like she was about to lie to him in a fundamental turning point for whatever this was. This was it. So, she did what came naturally to her. Beneath the cold, steel skin she came out. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure!"

"Promise you won't get angry?" she wasn't sure why that mattered as he had no right to be angry with  _her_ surely. Surely they weren't equals in their mistakes, circling around one another making dumb decision after dumb decision despite knowing what they want. "Promise?"

"Well, duh, why would I be mad at you?" he asked and she could feel the bed shift around. Looking up from her safe spot in the pillow, she could see Andy sitting up. She made no move to sit with him. "So, uh, shoot Ludgate."

One, long breath in preparation and then, in a deluge, "I invited you so you'd come with me and I could dump you in Indianapolis and make you beg on the streets to get by or die so that I could get the last word because I'm still upset that you kissed Ann. Now I'm mad at myself for trying to be mean and I don't wanna do that to you. And I'm mad, but you're so... I can't. I can't, Andy. I'm still so fucking angry with you but I can't do that to you because I really, really like you."

She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut, and hoped that this was a nightmare she would wake up from when they opened. After another, tighter flex of those muscles, April opened her eyes to the darkness of the same motel room they stopped in. That meant, of course, what she just said -- from the bottom of her heart, truth -- was real. What she had admitted, was real. She had admitted that she wanted him in the dark, surrounding by escort business transactions in the adjacent rooms and drinking parties between frat boys in the other direction.

It was real now.

She waited for a response. A minute passed and then another. Five minutes passed, straight, without a noise or so much as movement from where Andy sat. April rose, trying not to hope that she would see nothingness there and this was just a love-addled delusion this whole time. There he was, though. His face was clear in the dark, dropping into a mournful frown. The cold in the air felt like that vile hatred fading away forever. 

Now she was here with Andy Dwyer, the guy she had fallen for long ago, and she felt as if she had just crushed him in her hand with a few sentences.

"Andy?" she broke the silence.

"D'you mean it?"

She stopped at the sound of his downright frightened voice. Like he was lost now, lost and with nothing to hold onto. She finally asked, "What do you mean do I mean it?"

"That you hate me and you wish I was dead?" he asked and his shoulders seemed to lose all rigidity. He almost folded in on himself and only met her gaze after an awkward silence. He stared straight into her eyes, demanding to know. "I can leave right now if you want--"

"Andy, I don't... it hurt, okay?" she was quiet, here in the dark. Here where maybe it was safe to open up to him before she had to let him down, she  _had_ to let him down. Crush him.  _Crush_. "Seeing you in my head, like... I was reconstructing it all over and over again."

"But, it was a mistake and I'm sorry."

"I know," she let him finish enough to let him a bit of self respect. He deserved that much. That much and more. More than her. "What could I do, though? You were probably gonna get with Ann either way. You were probably going to see right through me and see her, like usual. You'd ignore me."

"That's not--"

"You kissed  _her_ , Andy," she spoke with more conviction, more fury. At who, and why, she wasn't sure.

"Yeah, and I made sure you knew that because I wanted us to start over," he reached out, she could see his hand in the low light, before pulling back. She wished he had followed through. The human contact sounded so delightful right then. "I fucked up, I'm sorry. It was dumb, I shouldn't have told you, then? Just... start on a lie?"

"I guess," April shrugged. That sounded just as horrid to her. What if, years down the line in her fantasy, he told her that he kissed Ann right before her and she seemed like the second choice. "I dunno. I felt like the second choice. I hate you for  _that_."

"Still?" he was quiet again and she met his silence with a sigh.

"I don't know," she tapped her fingers against her knees, sitting cross-legged across from Andy now. "I don't think so, but I don't want you to go back to her."

"April, I came here because you wanted me to," he started, "and I don't... I don't want Ann. You're the only one. I wrote that song earlier to try and get you to see that and I guess-- I guess I should get over that thought or something."

"Wait--"

"No, you're right. I'm being a jerk, I'm sorry. This is super dumb, like me," Andy made to move but April reacted and reached out for him.

She reached out and her hand covered his. The warm fist under her fingers felt so huge and perfectly fit to hers, stopping him from moving. Andy turned again to look at her and his prior distress burned away with her touch. It was dark, he was close. She could feel his disappointment -- not in her, but in the results. He had done this  _for_ her, because she asked him to do so. She had brought him here to break him down, crush him like a bug underneath her feet. Now, here they were and April wanted to scream at her past self for trying to ruin such a good person.

His hand molded into hers then. She held on, and tugged. He moved an inch, budged just so, and she sat up on her knees. With the pig headed socks poking over the side of the bed, in the dark, April leaned forward and met his lips with hers in a cautious, not-at-all graceful kiss. He tasted like salt and sadness, mud and anger, but she felt him squeeze her hand in his grip as they stayed together and their lips moved to greet one another in a deeper, firmer kiss. His other hand groped awkwardly to find hers, matching the clasped pair on the other side.

Her lips felt rough, used, already. His were swollen but she loved it, the taste of his work getting more and more heavy with his reddening mouth and musk. She was buzzed with something more than simple affection and her skin tingled all over.

They sat like this for a while, exploring the angles their mouths could match and meet. The ways they could taste their lips and open up for one another until tongues were but an expectation when lips proved too little for what they wanted. He wasn't an expert but the sheer thought of feeling Andy like this -- kissing him so hard into the night that he actually  _moaned_ a little under her care -- overwhelmed their inexperience with each other. Careful hands held together moved fingers warily until they broke apart. Andy's eyes seemed spellbound in hers, his thumbs rolling over her knuckles slowly and in repetitive, small circles.

They stared and she spoke up, again.

"I really like you," she repeated like he had to hear it again. Andy had to know what he was doing to her, what he was meaning to her, before she let her cruel and cold self take over and go into a defensive stance. "I really, really like you and I'm sorry I was gonna do... that to you. It was lame and stupid."

"No, I should apologize. But I already did, so..." he laughed and she could taste his laugh against her lips along with his thumbs against her knuckles. It was heaven. "So yeah, I'm sorry. Again. You're awesome and I really, super like you too."

"You do?"

"Definitely," he whispered. April could feel her eyelids beginning to droop, the exertion of kissing Andy taking its toll on her for the night. "I, uh, guess we should sleep."

"You can come up here," she said and patted the pillow next to her.

He said nothing but moved to rest his head next to hers, still respectfully far away. She shook her head and laid down closer to him, close enough so that their noses almost touched. Her hand found his under the covers and she wanted to entwine with it for as long as possible, all night and longer. He held on. It wasn't as fierce a grip as before, but there was less making out going on so April can't blame him really. The softness was part of the reason she fell for him, fell into that almost hellish span of months of obsessive crushing. 

"Good night, April," he whispered and his nose rubbed against hers when he settled into the pillow.

"Night, Andy," she replied, still holding tight onto his hand as she felt the loving embrace of sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When the morning met them the next day, April felt renewed. It was like nothing else, having all of this off her chest. That said, she did wake up with a big sweaty hand in hers and it was kind-of disgusting in the sweetest, most perfect way. He tried to apologize, because of course he did, but April wouldn't let him. She only gave him the slightest, smallest of kisses. They checked out of the motel in their pajamas, holding hands, and April sat in the driver's seat with a satisfied grin.

"So, when are we gonna start looking for apartments?" Andy asked her.

Even now, after that, he thought she would be in Indianapolis. Even  _now_ , after admitting this was an elaborate prank, one she regretted formulating at this point, he still asked how she wanted to proceed. That wellspring of affection for him overloaded as she dug around for her phone in her purse.

The contact _Chris Lame-ger_ was at her fingertip a moment later. She tapped it and it rang half a beat before he answered. "Hey Chris, I'm quitting. I'm moving back to Pawnee, thanks for the offer or whatever. Go die or don't, I don't care."

She heard him start to say something but again, ended the call. Andy's face was gobsmacked and he was laughing, again, and April let herself share in that delight again. It was all she wanted to do -- drive back to Pawnee, to wherever they would be it didn't matter.

"That sound good to you?" he asked, looking to her with the same admiration and wonder, passion and desire, that she thought had before been unrequited. "I mean, moving back to Pawnee."

"You're coming, right?" she asked him, giving him a smile that he shared before they leaned to kiss. "Taking that as a yes, by the way."

The car started with a low, soft growl more than a roar. They spun out once in the dirt parking lot, kicking up just a bit as April recklessly turned out of the motel and sped down the road back to Pawnee for a drive that would surely be more fun than the previous day. What mattered now, on the return trip that made April's heart swell in a way that she would previously consider an awesome disease, was that they would do it hand-in-hand, laughing along the way at everyone else but each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> If you liked the fic, consider leaving kudos. All comments are appreciated as well!


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